Anonymous asked:

Im a friend, i promise. I just wish you could be happy. It hurts to see that you're not. You can't know who i am, though. Im shy. And i feel like you'll take this more thoughtfully if you didn't know who i am.

Anonymous stuff usually doesn’t feel heartwarming so I hope you can understand my hesitance..

Anonymous asked:

You are beautiful. You are beautiful. You are beautiful. Your weight does not define you. Tell yourself that. Right now. Say it again. And again. Over and over and over. Until one day, you'll finally believe it.

That doesn’t help.. And I don’t like the feeling of having people to tell me to tell myself that because that just means I’m a failure to myself.. I’m sorry but I don’t know who you are this could all be a joke this could not.. It could jut be a random person just trying to make someone happy and move on I don’t know anything is possible but in also very hesitant with people an I don’t know wether to believe or deny.. Sorry.. I’m a difficult person..

Anonymous asked:

First, you have to love yourself before anyone else can. You can't depend on people to love you enough for the both of you. And i know its hard. But just start by telling yourself you're beautiful. Even if you have to lie through your teeth, with tears in your eyes. Thats what i do. Im proudly clean of cutting for over a year, and i couldn't be more proud of myself. Just take notice of the little things. And you'll be proud, too. It will take some time though. Years, even. But you will see love.

I don’t want a relationship so someone can love me where I can not.. No.. Hell no.. I want a relationship so I can love someone like I never was.. Maybe it would be hard since I don’t love myself but I feel like if I can show someone how much I love them then everything for them would be alright.. And maybe they can learn to love my flaws.. Ironic that I hate people but I would rather please them first then myself even though I know that’s wrong.. But there are certain people in this world that I’ve met and I want to be with them because they seemingly love themselves flaw an all and maybe I could learn from them but I’d like to do it together.. But the point of having to have a relationship is not a big deal.. I can wait an eternity to heck I could probably never have a relationship and be fine like I said sometimes being alone isn’t so bad.. But yeah…

Anonymous asked:

I know tons of terrible things have happened in your past, but you can't keep dwelling on them. They are not who you are. Sure, it was terrible. I know it haunts you. And depression isn't something you can just overcome. But you can fight it. You can struggle to get better. I believe in you. But you cannot focus on it and say you have a terrible life. Because you can change this. One small step at a time. I'm struggling, too. Depression, anxiety, eating disorder. Things suck, but I'm hoping.

I get nightmares every night about all the crap that’s happened.. I don’t think I’m dwelling in it I feel more like I’m taking precaution by reminding myself to never go through that again.. I believe I have an average life, that there are people out there with much worse lives then myself but I was stuck with this life and sadly I was not strong enough to keep up with all the emotional build up.. I usually bottle my feelings up but there comes a time everything just comes out.. In middle school I was taken to a therapist and was given medicine later on that therapist tried to kidnap me and gladly she was stopped due to expired tags so I’m very hesitant with people.. (Information that probably wasn’t needed sorry)

Anonymous asked:

Your weight does not define you. Your weight does not define you. Your weight will never define you. You might think all other people see is gross, disgusting, and not lovable. Because thats what you see, isn't it? But its not. Other people see way much more. And honestly, if all people care about is weight then you don't need them in your life. Throw them away. You don't deserve negativity like that in your life. Your weight does not define you. I love you a lot. I wish you could love yourself.

It medically defines me and that’s a good enough reason for me.. Of course I don’t want it to be my downfall.. For the past year I’ve lost 30 pounds but that’s where it stays it comes and goes as it pleases and due to my hip I do alternative things.. I am very hopeful but sometimes that isn’t enough.. If you are from here then you would know how judge mental these people in this town are they don’t give a flying poop unless your popular or dead.. But i don’t care about them.. Yes it’s true All I see is an ugly person with an ugly interior but don’t we all feel that way sometimes.. I’m use to being negative.. I’ve grown up alone in the dark.. It’s not so bad.. I promise once I’m 18 and out of this town it will get better.. It’s this place.. It’s always been this place.. I can’t love myself until I do this one thing and trust me once it’s happened there’s no going back and my life will be complete even if I have to never speak to my family or old “friends” ever again..

tyleroakley

vinebox:

shouldnt:

SHE IS REAL

SHE IS REAL

Anonymous asked:

I wish you were more proud of yourself. You owe it to yourself to love your body and what it can do and whats inside your mind. You're just so beautiful inside and out and i want you to see that. Maybe one day you will. Keep trying for me, okay?

I would have answered this earlier but I wasn’t at home and my phone died.. But you may or may not be someone that I know or someone who just knows me but the thing is you must not really know so here it is… I struggle every day with my appearance I medically am overweight for my height and age so that causes problems I had to have several surgeries on my hip as a child so I didn’t start walking until a late age and when I was in 5th grade my grandmother died and I got super depressed and well I didn’t really have friends in elementary school anyways so I kept to myself until one day the summer of 5th going to 6th some kid pushed me down and my hip hurt an I thought nothing of it but after some time my hip hurt so badly I had to lay on the floor to make it stop hurting and I would cry myself to sleep and my parents and older brother would tell me I was just faking it but one day my dad searched for the doctor who performed my hip surgery when I was 3 weeks old and we found him and we went and he said I needed surgery and so 6th grade I spent most of it in a wheelchair eating lunch in the principles office by myself not even the secretary would talk to me and it was sad because all I ever ate was string cheese on crackers and apple slices because my mother refused to actually make me a sandwich or something because she said I was overweight so yeah.. Well the surgery ended up causing me to have one leg shorter then the other and people made fun of me, kids would tease me and call me names and I would never tell on them and I wouldn’t cry in front of them I did NOT want them to have that satisfaction.. Well once 7th grade came I became way more depressed and I learned the feeling of cutting myself and I knew it was wrong but between the kids at my school and my parents and older brother making fun of me I found I could distract that pain with this other pain and I’d rather endure a blade to my skin then those hurtful words (plus my brother was very abusive he, would hit me just because he wanted to and I would go to school with bruises and the teachers never cared) later my favorite teacher was killed and my dad was in an accident I couldn’t handle it I was so emotional.. My freshman year wasn’t so great either I would still get bullied by my fellow students and especially at home.. Honestly there was no escape.. My freshman year I was told that I should kill myself because I was overweight and no one would date an ugly whale this was told by my brother and his friends especially the girl ones.. So there would be days where I would eat so much an I couldn’t stop and then there would be days that I would starve myself not letting myself eat.. I would punish my body for being so disgusting but I wasn’t cutting I stopped after 8th grade.. My sophomore year no one seemed to mind me until Valentines Day I don’t exactly remember what the note said but it said something about how they were writing me a letter to say how no one would love me but even ugly lonely people deserve a letter on valentines day and it was signed “not a friend.” I mean clearly it wasn’t a friend and we have singing valentines and one of them was addressed from x friend I’m guessing it meant “not a friend” had decided to send me a song meant for single people, perfect for me right? Well I cried and reported it to the office and the principal did nothing.. a month later I went back and he said that he was not going to look through the cameras to find a kid who may or may not have put that note in my Locker since valentines day had a huge rush of kids that were crazy in the halls and it could have been anyone so I gave up and threw it away.. My junior year was full of ups and downs but well after freshman year my parents separated and I was forced to live with my mom and I hated the verbal abuse from her and my brother so during spring break of my sophomore year I moved in with my dad and that’s been the only good thing that has happened.. Junior year my parents started fighting way to much and I hated being in the middle of it because I’m under age and my brother is already considered an adult so I guess child support is supposed to be paid but my dad doesn’t want it but my moms lawyer is saying that my dad is forcing my mom to pay it and she’s really mad so much has happened I’ve had so many panic attacks and so many nights where I would cry myself to sleep and nights where I wish I wasn’t how I am and well I try to be funny with people but in all honesty I’m an antisocial kid with depression problems you may see me with people laughing and seemingly having a good time but that’s because my dad forces me to be social with the “friends” I have.. I distract myself by drawing or trying to make youtube videos but I’m very insecure and I don’t want people to see me sometimes.. Honestly sometimes I hate people an this whole summer I’ve made so many excuses not to go out and talk to people an just watch Netflix and listen to music I’ve been about 2 years clean and one day I lost it and started cutting again but on the place I hate the most: my thighs.. I don’t wear shorts for that reason and I hate my legs, so far I’ve been 3 months clean because I have a doctors appointment and I don’t want him to see my thighs all butchered.. I have the biggest secret that would make all of my family disown me and I’ve already lost some “friends” over it.. The first boyfriend I ever had cheated on me after only 3 days and that made me feel so shitty.. So I don’t know if this will make you understand how I hate everything about me and I can’t feel attractive when I feel like I have so many flaws and problems that no one would want with them.. Sometimes I consider suicide but I’m too much of a coward..There is much more I could say but I think I’ve already said too much.. Sorry but thank you anyways I’m currently crying and I’m ashamed..